Sunday, June 05, 2005 @ Sunday, June 05, 2005
H.E.L.P
Things has been getting out of control. I can't take it anymore. I can't handle it. I don't know what he wants from me.
Whatever the things I did to make him happy or even proud, it always backfires. I've tried my best to be a better person with little things I did which I think is an improvement, it somehow didn't mean a thing to him. While I'm trying my best to change, he called me names that was so unneccesary.
Stupid.
Fat cow.
Dumb and even said to me
"You're fucked up Sha." How do you think I would feel? Happy? Contented? He has never given me the slightest encouragement in my life when I needed it and this kind of comments is what I get. He just makes me think that I'm not worth it; I'm not worth to even exist.
Honestly, I think comparing me to the rest or most, I'm all right; halfway to perfection and yet with flaws but hey, no one is ever perfect; not even him. Why can't he just thank god for having someone like me? His words somehow brainwashed me and even made me think I don't deserve to be liked or loved by anyone; be it friends or that special someone.
Why won't he just leave me alone for once and let me lead my own life like the way I want; without letting him controlling my every move. I think I'm old enough to take care of myself. Even so, I have my close friends to take care of me too. I know what I'm doing. I'm growing up, just like everyone else.
I'm sick and I'm tired. I just don't know what I should do to make him satisfied anymore. I'm giving up. For what I know now, I am who I am. People love me for who I am. I bring smiles to their faces for just being who I am and I hope someday, he'll realise that being whoever I am, is already nice enough before it's too late.
I'll miss you... 'Mama'...
